I was raised Voodoo, &  I ain't get some of the weird religions of the nations. Raynita say that Jesus finna come back soon to get all his childrens fo' they can ride up to Heaven on his magic carpet and curly shoes. My great great Granny always lookin at me wit her one eye and be like "best enjoy yo stick puppet now, Jesus ain't let you take it in the Rapture." Also, she say, "No use in doin you lessons, books is finna burn up wit the devils and the orphans when we in glory."

Raynita & Great Granny Fangboner scare me mo than cityfolk, lezbens, & people wit the shakes. They talk of Jesus snatchin folks up wit no phone call fo' to say he comin is very, very scurry and nerve me up. If he finally get around to Rapturin', I gots my own demands. He ain't finna pull up & honk like some kindda bad booty call.

Jesus Rapture Demands

1. Axe my daddy fo' my hand. Even though he rottin' in the ground, swoop down by the graveyard fo a spell.
   
2. Make sho I ain't doin the wash.
3. Call me ever so often. Don't come a courtin if you ain't know me.
4. Wear you finest. I know you be all about comforble clothes, but get yo cheese on.
5. Don't be fresh, & talk to me proper. Be like, "Yo hammer toe sho look shiny of an evening."

Come quickly & don't send yo flyin' raccoons.

XOXOX,
~Voodoo Phylis

Everthin seem so strange these days. I click on the TV, & I ain't know what in hell they mean half the time. Cartoons is too wild; nobody even know what a Glee or a 30 Rock be; and games shows ain't hardly play no mo. Now my gadgets is doin the same thing. Lookie here, now:

The Internets have a woman livin in it (I think she jus' move in), & she on a rampage. It remind me of a Godzilla that be cursin' & carryin' on like someone snatch the wig out her dressin room & used her lipstick fo they butt hole ain't itch. I think she angry, but what fo?

If yens able to make heads nor tails of this talkin pitcher, send me a line. Also, do she even speak English or do it be a Mexican voice?

Love & blessins,
~Voodoo Phylis

Dear Childrens,

Valentines be the day all the peoples of the land get they hearts broke & they privates wet. It also be the only day out the year when Jesus promise he ain't finna peek in yo betroom fo' you can screw wit no guilty shame. This mean y'all need to get yo trick on & open all you holes. 

Enjoy yo body & God Bless!

XOXOXOX,
~Voodoo Phylis

Best get youself ready fo the Valentine's--only one week away! Next to Halloween and the Superbowl, it be my favorite Jewish holiday. Sometime I get calls from the sad fatties like "Nobody ever say they love me" & "Why I can't reach my behind real good in the shower?" 

I always be sayin' love got nothin to do wit looks, financials, & credick ratings. Only two things matter fo you can find love's eternal magic & a good booty call:

1. Two sides of the coin 
This be God's truf (bless his holy name): If you spendin too much time in one part of yo lover's yard, you finna get a donkey punch or send them into the sweet embrace of someone else legs. Everone got they curb appeal, & they front yard be where most action happen. Even so, yo got to go 'round the back, too. There be a whole nother yard that need yo keepin. You gots to mow that lawn & mind them flowers. Also, don't worry if you need to go in through the back doe. Make sho you mans and womens get they attention everwhere.

2. The candy wrapper
The other thing that make you body a temple of doom be the way yo candy wrapped. In case you is slow, I finna make it real plain: panties! panties! panties! This go fo the gay, straight, & the cannibal. Make sho you is givin a good impression wit yo delicates. Sweep wit yo bra on; wrassle wit no drawls on; and ride it wit yo blinkers on. This way, you finna know Victoria's real secret.

Be blessed & close the doe on you way out!

XOXOXO,
~Voodoo Phylis

The news finna tell my bidnez fo I ain't get appointed to White House Witchdoctor, so here the truth. Befo I met Jesus, I be all woppin' it up in the club wit cocaines in my eyes & preverts on my arm. After eatin the quaaludes one night, TayTay like, "Dance wit my girl! Dance wit my girl!" I ain't no lezben, but I ain't care.

The good part: (S)He too lazy fo to tuck it in, so it was good news that I ain't do the sin of Sodom. Even better, it were a celebrity! 

The bad part: 
Someone be takin pitchers when he shakin that fruity booty.

Take a look-see & just say no!

XOXOXOX,
~Voodoo Phylis

Shaquille O'Neal

I ain't want yens fo to panic, but I gots the pubic service announcement.  I were fixin' breakfast of a mornin & heard a commotion in the front room. It kinda sound like a vibrator wit' a voice box. 

It say, "Bzzzz... beep-boing... where yo purse, bitch?"

I be, "How in hell you get in the doe?" 

Then, she all, "Gimme... buzz-buzz... a menthol & five dollars."

I ain't never seen the likes--never! She were a robot, & she cussin me wit' a devil's vengeance. When I ain't grab my purse quick enough, she be smackin me & doin' me a hate crime.

She gone now, and she finna terrorize everone that get in her way (I done click a pitcher fo' you can see how she look). Tell yo neighbors & you babies this monster on the prowl. Also, she a nympho wit' a humper fo any mans that give her they cigarettes.

Stay safe & wet yo whistle!

XOXOX,
~Voodoo Phylis  

      

My girl TayTay be all suchy-much since she come back from China. She say that now she finna take her a trip to outer spaces and far voyages wit' her tax return. At first I be, "You a lyin' hussy." Then she all, "Lookie at my phone. I took pitchers fo you ain't think this jus' in my head."

Now, I ain't take kindly when people all up in my face wit lies & all other kinda fornications, but she tellin the God's truth. In the Land of the Orientals, TayTay got her a meetin' fo to plan a trip to the moon.
The womens up there say she finna be the first colored girl in space fo the same as it cost to buy a pure breed lavador receiver. She know I ain't let no dogs in the house; Miss Shitty Kitty be all pissy when anyone wit 4 legs come in the back doe'. Anyways, the Ling-Fling Sisters sat her down fo to sign the contract to go wit' them in June & they was okay when she made out a check wit next month's date (sometime I gots to do the same thing when I ain't do my financials right).

They even show my girl around they flyin saucer. It have a cordless phone wit three-way & caller I.D., two clubs fo to dance & meet other Martians, a inside pool, a walk-in closet, bedrooms wit mirrors on the ceilin', & a place fo you can buy trinkets, aspirins, & rubbers (if you lucky).They finna launch they spaceship from China-land & splash they asses back close by the Virgina Islands.  

I axe the Lucky Magic Jesus Finger fo' to bless Singh, Ming, & Ding Ling-Fling on they journeys wit TayTay. Even though they be prayin to a demon name Buddha & his 7 dwarfs, & even if they ain't celebrate the Superbowl, the Finger finna bless them back-n-forth, side-to-side.

Stay blessed & get you colon checked fo worms,
~Voodoo Phylis

I ain't like to give him credick fo things he ain't do, but the Devil been up in my bidnez all week. That why you ain't see me write since Friday the 13th. Most times, I blame bad things on That Bitch Vonda or Count Chocula & his delicious cereal, but this ain't no game. The Devil been workin more than a black man when his boss be watchin.

Lookie here at the proofs of evil:

• I ain't had my period since The Jeffersons be on TV.
• Viola Davis ain't win the Golden Globe.
• Someone wit red eyes been watchin me at the landry mat. 
• Miss Shitty Kitty been drunk ever night this week.
  
• Etta James dead & they finna make her a mummy.
• They ain't show Vivian on Days of Our Lives no mo.

Devil, get out my face & keep yo ding-dong away from my gran babies. Slow you roll & remember fo' I call the 911s in Jesus name. Amen.

XOXOXOXOX,
~Voodoo Phylis